half a hāngī heart

i grew up surrounded by the two shades that make up me

brown and cream                                                                                                        

mixed together, the cultures b…l…e…n…d                                                           

                                                               i

                                                            l

                                                         u

                                                      t                                              

                                          reduce.

until what’s left? 

to some i am Pākehā 

grew up in a household with narrow noses, pink cheeks, light hair

but what about the other part?

biological disregard handed me half a hāngī heart

English/Te Reo

cannot curve my tongue and make it click

the way some expect it, while others reject it

i guess i’ll just continue to sit, sit, sit

and move through this country, not really knowing

if i am a fake

Māori 

if i am a real

Pākehā 

what do i do with half a hāngī heart?

put it back in the ground where it came from

and hope with more time the hot stones, hardwood, hessian heat 

will reignite the life that left me

or

open it up and consume the remaining heihei, kāpiti, kūmara, paukena 

and fill in the space with more of my white race 

or 

do I continue to stay the same, while i’ve taken away parts of my name

living with half a hāngī heart?

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Savannah Patterson (Ngāti Porou) is a writer born in Tairāwhiti. She attended AUT, where she completed a master’s in creative writing. Beginning her career in journalism, she now works as a secondary English teacher, residing in the Waikato region.