The only driving test I will ever pass
You are the driver of the parked blue car. You are leaning over to kiss your girlfriend. Of the four hazards marked, which one is most likely to require you to take urgent action?
A) Men of any description
B) The feeling between your shoulder blades
C) Perhaps you should check your blind spots again, check left, check right, check left again
D) Are the doors locked?
What does this sign mean?
A) Dance classes are nearby
B) Only heterosexuals may hold hands in public
C) Only women may care for children
D) All homosexuals abuse children; they should not be trusted
When Chappell Roan sings ‘knee deep in the passenger seat’, what does she mean?
A) Giver kneeling in the foot room with the receiver’s legs on either side of their head
B) Giver kneeling in the foot room with the receiver facing backward
C) In a truck without a centre console, giver kneeling and receiver with their back to the door
D) You’re confused, we get it
What should you do when you break the headlight in your girlfriend’s car?
A) Have a series of panic attacks and vow never to get into a car again
B) Flee the scene, orchestrate an alternative reality, tell them you ran into a deer, yes in New Zealand, well maybe it was a large possum, you couldn’t see, it was really dark, regardless it’s not your fault
C) Dent the door of the car a few days later
D) Gather the broken glass and bleed
To tow a queer on a learner’s or restricted car licence, the weight of your internalised homophobia plus the weight of the actual homophobia that could pose a safety risk must not exceed what weight?
A) 6000kg
B) The number of girls you’ve loved multiplied by the number of girls you’ve kissed
C) All of the possums killed on one night minus the weight of all the birds those possums killed
D) The dread that comes from travelling in a tonne of metal at great speed plus the dread of the future that these beasts will create
What must you do when you see blue and red flashing lights behind you?
A) Repeat: people holding a restricted license may drive their partner. This is my partner. This is my partner. This is my partner. This is my partner. This is my partner
B) Make sure the gummies is in the white girlfriend’s pocket
C) Do the math. If you had x sip of alcohol x weeks ago and you’ve eaten x meals since and you’ve walked x metres and surely they’ll still know, right? Will they know?
D) Hold your breath
What does this sign mean?
A) You will always circle this decision, there is no exit
B) The pink triangle was reclaimed, here it is again, Wellington is so progressive, it’s almost pink if you squint (don’t squint, you’re driving, are you driving? Is this a dream or a nightmare?)
C) One day your body will be recycled
D) You’ve failed
Helena Leon Mayer (German, Pākehā) is writer and clumsy crafter from Hauraki living in Te Whanganui-a-Tara. They are working on their first poetry collection, in conversation with the pre-Christian Germanic deity Holda. Their writing can be found in Re-Draft, Starling, and in letters to their friends.